Best Birthday Present Ever
by Aeiu
Summary: A belated birthday present stirs up memories of the Old West and television.


BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER

By Aeiu

It was another beautiful day in Los Angeles as Mark McCormick, ex-con and current parolee/gofer/Tonto to ex-Judge Milton C. Hardcastle, full-time Lone Ranger and slave driver, was finishing his preparation of lunch. All morning he had worked on the hedges so he decided to go with something light and simple.

_Okay, _he thought as he counted the sandwiches on the plate. _Two for Hardcastle and two, no,_ _make that three for me. _He remembered the scheduled plans for the afternoon: A meeting with Lieutenant Carlton to discuss business, a trip to the garden shop to pick up shrubbery and the rest of the afternoon finishing up the hedges. McCormick reconsidered the sandwiches and slapped two more together before he carried them out to the patio.

Hardcastle sat at the outdoor dining table studying their newest case when he heard McCormick announce lunch was ready. He eyed the large stack of sandwiches and asked, "Are we expecting company?"

McCormick merely grinned as he tore into his first sandwich. "Good work doesn't come cheap. If I can't get it through my salary, I'll take it in food."

"At the rate you're going it'd be cheaper to triple your salary and make you pay for your own food."

McCormick looked up expectedly and shrugged as he watched the judge shake his head no. _No surprise,_ he thought, _it'd be easier to print the money myself than get Hardcastle to open his wallet._

"Did you get the mail yet?" Hardcastle asked.

"Nmugh," McCormick answered as he stuffed the third sandwich in his mouth.

"Never mind, I'll get it," said Hardcastle as he finished his first sandwich. "Wouldn't want you to collapse of malnutrition on the way," he added loudly under his breath.

_Wouldn't want you to lose something to grouch about, _McCormick answered in his head as he finished his third sandwich and contemplated the fourth.

A few minutes later, Hardcastle returned and set a large package next to McCormick. "Got some mail today," he said as he stood by McCormick's side, curious to see what was in the package.

McCormick stared at the package in open shock. He had been living on the estate for several months but so far all he had ever received was official mail from the court and a few pieces of advertisement. Nothing like this. He pulled off the letter which was taped onto the package and opened it.

"Happy Belated Birthday," the card read.

"It's your birthday?" Hardcastle asked as his eyebrow shot up. McCormick's birthday was one of the many things he did not know about the young man. The official court files contained several dates of birth on the man. When questioned he would give differing answers and get sullen if pressed too hard. Whatever problems McCormick had about his birthday, it was an off-limits subject.

"No," McCormick answered as he shook his head. He could feel Hardcastle's hot breath on the back of his neck as the man strained to get a better look at the card. McCormick sighed as he decided it would be easier to read the card aloud than risk the judge getting eye strain. "Dear Skid. I never got a chance to thank you for the favors you did me back at Q. I was doing a job at CBS and came across this. Thought you'd like it. Tell that Judge you're living with that no one's looking for it." The card was signed Bertie B.

"Favors?" asked Hardcastle.

"Yeah. Bertie had a gambling problem. He owed some money to some of the big boys. I floated him a couple of loans and stuff. One day his luck changed and he paid everyone off."

Hardcastle nodded. He had seen McCormick rattle off odds on enough sporting events to know the man had first-hand experience in bookmaking. He could well imagine some of the stuff McCormick had done for Bertie while locked up. But it was in the past and nothing could be gained by bringing it up and embarrassing him. "What was Bertie in for?"

"Umm…" McCormick hesitated as he tried to find the right words. "Acquisitions."

"So that package might contain stolen property. If it is, it has to go back to CBS."

"It might," McCormick agreed as he opened the package. "One way to find out." McCormick stared at the metal film canister which lay in the wrappings. He squinted to make out the faded writing taped to the canister. "Gunsmoke spin-off," he read. "Does 'Gunsmoke' sound familiar to you?" he asked as he turned to face Hardcastle.

Hardcastle's eyes shone with reverence and awe as he reached out to touch the faded film tag. "It was the greatest television show ever made. It ran forever. I can't believe you never heard of it."

McCormick shook his head as he removed the reel of film. "Why would Bertie send me this and how would you even watch it?"

"Well, I got a screen and projector," Hardcastle said as he clapped his hands in excitement. "We can watch it now."

"What about our meeting with Carlton?"

"Dang, that's right," said Hardcastle the disappointment evident in his voice.

"How about afterwards?"

"Nice try, kiddio, but you're not getting out of your chores. We'll do it up right. Later tonight, we'll make some popcorn, set up the projector, and watch some real TV."

"Can't wait," McCormick said with little enthusiasm as he wondered what he had done to Bertie to be given such a gift.

The afternoon dragged by slowly as Hardcastle regaled him with tales from 'Gunsmoke' which included Matt Dillon, Miss Kitty, Doc, Chester, Festus, and every pioneer, outlaw, and cowpoke who had ever considered crossing the Mississippi River. The only name McCormack recognized was Burt Reynolds who had been on for a short while but that didn't stop Hardcastle from droning on and on.

To make matters worse wherever they went Hardcastle managed to find someone who remembered the show and wanted to reminisce about their favorite episode. By the time they headed back to the estate, he was actually looking forward to the hedges so he could get some relief. But it wasn't to be. Hardcastle followed him outside and kept up his one-sided commentary; speculating which characters were in the show, when it had been made, if it had ever aired, or if it was a show that the network was planning to release in the near future. McCormick swore Hardcastle started hyperventilating as he contemplated the return of the western to TV.

Aren't you worried we might have stolen property?" McCormick asked.

"Won't know until we see what we got. In any case, it won't hurt anything to look at it. It's getting late. Why don't we call it a day and have an early supper?"

_At least that gift is good for something,_ thought McCormick as he snipped off a few more wayward branches and began to collect his equipment.

Supper was a hurried affair and the evening took on an excited air of anticipation on Hardcastle's part, before he decided the time was right to watch the show. McCormick dutifully made the popcorn. When he got back, Hardcastle had set up the screen and projector.

"Did you move the couch?" McCormick asked.

"Just want to get a good view. Turn off the lights and hit that red button."

McCormick did as he sat down next to Hardcastle with the bowl of popcorn between them. As the show started, he could see that it wasn't a finished product. There was a grainy quality to the picture and it lacked opening credits. Instead it started straight with the episode.

McCormick groaned as the plot became clear. A young ex-gunslinger named Cyrus Pike, who trying to go straight, had wandered into town and had tried to help an old friend. Everything had gone wrong and Pike found himself on the wrong side of the law and locked up in the local jail.

"I guess your friend really knows you," Hardcastle chucked as his poked McCormick in the arm.

"Ha, ha," McCormick answered mirthlessly as he continued to watch the show. Pike wasn't half as upset about the betrayal from his so-called friends as he was about disappointing his partner, Dirty Sally.

"A prostitute?" McCormick guessed as his interest in the show began to rise.

"Don't be silly. This is a spin-off from 'Gunsmoke '. Sometimes they had some big burly guy called Sally on these shows."

"Oh," responded McCormick as his interest began to wane.

Dirty Sally did not immediately appear on the screen. Living up to her nickname, her presence was made known as various characters in the town began to sniff the air suspiciously. It ended as the deputy smelled something from the other side of the closed door that Pike watched with nervous anxiety.

McCormick's mouth dropped as the door swung open and he saw her in all of her magnificence. She was a short, squat old woman with a face that could only be called mule-like. She spat a big wad of tobacco on the sidewalk behind her and half-waddled into the room. Within a minute, she had taken charge of the situation with the combination of her gravelly voice, knowledge of the law and home-spun common sense. She had Pike released in her custody and dragged the poor guy out by his ear. That's when they found out she was trying to rehabilitate to the young outlaw. McCormick lost it.

"Ha, ha. Ha," he laughed for real this time as he held his sides. "I always wondered what inspired you, Judge." He continued laughing as Hardcastle turned on the lights and turned off the projector.

"Enough of that. It's obviously stolen," said a disgusted Hardcastle as he looked down on the laughing McCormick.

"Judge, we can't stop now," McCormick pleaded. "It's a western. It's Americana. It's 'Gunsmoke'. It's my birthday present. Please."

Hardcastle realized that the damage had already been done and he might as well see it to the end. "Okay," he said pointing his finger at McCormick, "but no laughing."

McCormick bit his lip and nodded his head as Hardcastle started the film and turned off the lights. Within fifteen minutes, Sally and Pike had found Pike's friends who were being blackmailed by the real bad guys. Using Sally's brains and Pike's criminal skills they had rounded criminals and were receiving the thanks of the impressed town sheriff.

By that time, McCormick was sure he had bitten through his lower lips as he listened while Sally dispensed her sage sayings on the importance of truth, justice and hard work which he would forever call Hardcastleisms.

As they got to the final minutes of the show, Sally looked at Pike and said, "You gotta remember boy, justice is a tough old broad but she's fair. Just like me."

McCormick lost it for the second time of the evening, laughing so hard at something he could hear coming from Hardcastle's mouth that he fell off of the couch.

AS the spool of film ran out, Hardcastle turned off the projector, turned on the lights and looked down at the young man rolling on the floor and clutching his stomach as if in pain. "Are you through now?" Hardcastle asked indulgently. "Have you got it all out of your system?"

McCormick took some deep breaths as the chuckles began to subside. He brought himself up and stood to face the judge. As he looked into the familiar thinning white hair, the crinkly eyes, and the sour look, he could feel the laughter begin to bubble up again. He clutched Hardcastle's shoulder and bent down for one last round of deep guffaws. "I didn't know your ancestors went back that far," he laughed.

"Yeah, laugh it off but tomorrow I'm taking this back to CBS. And you're lucky your friend's not going to get prosecuted over this."

"Why Judge, I thought the truth was a defense against libel. Don't worry, I can take it back."

"I'm sure after a quick stop to make a few copies. I'll take back," Hardcastle said as he removed the reel and carried it up to his room. "And clean this place up."

McCormick shook his head as he watched the judge storm out. What could he say, the judge knew him too well. McCormick began to clean the room. When he got to the birthday package, he noticed it contained a roll of paper which felt odd. He examined it closer and saw it contained a t-shirt. He pulled out the shirt and held it up for closer examination.

The white t-shirt contained a picture of Dirty Sally shaking her fist. Below the picture it said "Justice is a tough old broad."

_Best gift ever,_ McCormick thought as he grinned and mentally counted off the days until Hardcastle would be hosting the weekly poker game.

THE END

'_Dirty Sally' was a spin-off of 'Gunsmoke'_ _which ran in the Fall of 1974. The premise was an old female muleskinner teams up with young gunfighter who is trying to go straight. They form a mother/son relationship as they travel across the West helping people. Artistic license was taking with the actual dialogue form the show_


End file.
